Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
