eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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