Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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