I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I cockslap morals
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
