i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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