That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
