if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
