when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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