Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
