This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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