i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
