i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
