I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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