Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
