You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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