after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
