we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Randomize
