my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
