You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
