Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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