Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
