Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
