I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
