Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
