Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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