drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
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thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
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We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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