you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
