I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
