I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
