Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
