glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Oh god it's open bar.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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