After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
