see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
