Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Come on in and take your pants off
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
