I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
