I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
