well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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