Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
