I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Green mimosas i think yes
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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