My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
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Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
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So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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