I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
