And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
