im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
