News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
