is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
