Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
it's great music for shaving your balls
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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