It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
