With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
