Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
