i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
