I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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