So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
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i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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