dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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