so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
