I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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