I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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