Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He is an equal opportunity slut.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
