no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
