my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
