i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
