I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
