i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
