Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
