God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
