What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
